I met Hana a few months ago when we moved to Louisiana. We are in the same ward. She is the primary president and so I first met her when we moved in and were getting my girls settled in their new primary classes. We have since become good friends and I absolutely adore her! She is a woman of many talents and shines her light on everyone.
Hana grew up in many different places but claims North Carolina and Utah as home. She completed her Master’s in social work with an emphasis in mental health. She is currently a mom to three beautiful children and an Air Force pilot wife. She shares her journey of learning to not only survive but thrive with OCD and anxiety.
I was trying to remember the first time I knew something was wrong. The problem is I didn’t know anything was wrong. I just assumed life was always this terrible. I had no idea that most people didn’t have the same thought replay in their head all day. That they could literally feel no peace until they did something compulsive to stop them. Fourth grade is my earliest memory of intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. I washed my hands frequently. If I felt like I had “tainted” one of my fingers I stopped using it. It was so tiring mentally and physically. Not only did I feel the need to clean my hands all the time, It seemed like I needed to cleanse my actions as well.
I grew up in a very Christ-centered, religious home. It was a very loving home. Looking back, I think sometimes I internalized this sense of needing to be “worthy”, and as someone who apparently dealt with OCD, my mind could not let this go. As an 8 year old I was consumed by things that I thought I did wrong. Every night I would “confess” to my mom about things I believed I had done wrong that day. After our discussions. I would breathe a sigh of relief. I felt like I had resolved the issue, unfortunately this moment of peace didn’t last long and once again new thoughts, new transgressions I had committed played in my mind. I didn’t want to go to school, I couldn’t risk making more mistakes. I remember vividly praying in my bed to my Heavenly Father that I could stop worrying, that I could just sleep and relax. I was in fifth grade.
By the literal grace of God my obsessions seemed to fade, and I don’t remember struggling with intrusive thoughts or compulsive behaviors for many years. Looking back I had always been an obsessive person, but fortunately from late middle school to grad school I was able to function well with limited anxiety. It wasn’t until shortly after being married that my worries reappeared. It’s ironic because I had completed my Mater’s in social work and was licensed to practice therapy, but I couldn’t help myself. I once again felt guilty about my every action. I became obsessed with my interactions with other people, my thoughts, and my intentions. I was paralyzed with fear that I was going to do something wrong and ruin my marriage. Social events were too exhausting – too many opportunities to do things wrong. Sleep was too dangerous because my mind was idle enough to allow “bad thoughts” in. I can look back now and realize that I was consumed with OCD. More specifically it has been called scrupulosity.
“Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder primarily characterized by pathological guilt or obsession associated with moral or religious issues that is often accompanied by compulsive moral or religious observance and is highly distressing and maladaptive.”
I would wake up every morning with a new list of things I needed to feel guilty about, new things I should “confess” to my husband. I should mention that my husband was extremely supportive during this time. For someone who had personally never struggled with his mental health, he was very understanding even when I wasn’t with myself. Through his and my mom’s encouragement I sought out therapy. It was during this time that my therapist helped me identify my experience. She diagnosed me with OCD and gave me the tools to identify intrusive thoughts, tools to quiet them, and gave me my joy back. I started taking medication as well. With that and the new tools from my therapist I began to gain confidence in my ability to function. My thoughts didn’t necessarily go away, but I was able to move past them without guilt.
I have looked into my family history and learned that many of my relatives also struggled with anxiety and OCD in particular. This gave me some comfort knowing that genetics can play into your mental health as well and is making me more aware with my own children’s mental health. This whole experience has been monumental for me. It has made me extremely aware of my Father in Heaven. He was and is aware of me. Even as a fifth grader crying and praying in my bed, He listened and answered my prayers. I am now a functioning adult. Do I still have obsessive thoughts? Of course, but the majority of my time is not spent worrying about my worthiness anymore. I now know I’m not perfect but I am enough.
Silently Surviving Souls 